Copyright: Nov. 13th, 1999.

Revised: January 27th, 2005.

Rating: ‘G’.

Disclaimer: Joss Whedon, Fox Studios, Mutant Enemy, et al, have something to do with “Buffy The Vampire Slayer”. No copyright infringement is intended or inferred. The story along with any/all original characters are the sole property of the author and can not be used without expressed permission first.

Author's Note: This is what might be considered angstfilled.

Spoilers: Yes, for “Wild At Heart” and others too numerous to mention.

I look at my blank computer screen and wonder how to start, then it comes to me.

“I love you,” I heard Buffy say.

The only thing I could do was smile sadly and nod my head. I was too upset to think straight, to ponder the meaning of those three words. My mind had shut down. I hadn’t heard Buffy calling out to me earlier... I didn’t see the car... I didn’t care. I was a walking mass of pain. I’ve felt this pain before, perhaps not exactly the same, but the anguish I had inside me was fast becoming an old friend.

First it was Xander...

The one I thought I loved...

By the time the clothes fluke came, I was all ready with Oz. Yes, we had gone behind everyone’s back, and we both paid a heavy price. It took a while to even be in the same room together without feeling guilty. The damage to our friendship is something we’re still working on. The closeness that defined our childhood relationship is gone. It’s something I truly miss, that’s not to say we can’t talk to each other anymore, we do.

It’s just different.

He’s a boy...

A man now.

Not just Xander. I had always thought Xander would be my first... It wasn’t meant to be someone else was. I can still remember the pain I felt when I heard who Xander had slept with.

Faith.

I wanted to kill her for taking something she had no right to. She took away my innocence. She took my Xander from me.

Buffy...

There was a pain I wasn’t ready for, or knew even existed. When Buffy left without a word after killing Angel – the loss was incredible. But it had hit me the hardest I think. Not that I’m taking anything from Giles’ pain, I’m not. His relationship is different. He lost his pupil, his Slayer. I had lost someone who had fast become my friend. Someone who didn’t cared that I was the school geek. Someone who wasn’t concerned that my clothes weren’t in style, someone who liked me because of who I was: Willow Rosenberg.

I couldn’t have been happier when Buffy returned from her self-imposed exile. That’s not to say I wasn’t upset, I was. But we worked it out and our friendship became stronger, or so I thought.

Then came Faith...

And my life was turned upside down once again when I thought that Faith had taken my spot in Buffy’s heart. When it seemed as if Buffy was shutting me out I had wanted to lash out.

I wanted to hurt Buffy the way she was hurting me.

I couldn’t...

Not really...

I cared too much...

Buffy was...

IS...

To this point in my young life, the only true female friend I’ve ever had. And there’s nothing I would not do to protect that friendship. Even if I have to do some things I would have never ever thought of doing before. I still can’t believe some of the things I shouted at her while we were trapped during the Halloween party we went to. I wanted to take them back as soon as I said them but I couldn’t, to many things were happening.

We’re okay now.

Cordelia...

Is the one person who I never considered as a rival for Xander’s affections, to see them kissing, holding hands… something I had wanted for myself since I was a child, it’s funny sometimes how life works. I did something that I never in my wildest dreams ever thought would occur.

I caused Cordelia Chase to feel pain.

It’s mind boggling at times. Now, as I look back, I only hope that Cordelia; the main tormentor in my formative years, finds happiness. The same happiness I thought I had with Oz.

Oz...

Even now, his name causes tears to spill from my eyes.

We had been through so much... then something changed.

I knew I could feel the attraction between Oz and her. The first time I saw them together, I could see the way Oz seemed hypnotized by her presence. But I never believed that Oz would betray me, that he would ever cause me pain.

When I walked down the stairs; bearing coffee and donuts, my only thoughts were on him. I hoped that he hadn’t hurt himself trying to get out. I know that my world is far from perfect, but it’s as close as I’m going to get living in Sunnydale. I had someone in my life that loved me and showed in every way possible. Oz loved me.

Seeing them together ripped my heart to shreds. I left him after he tried to explain. I couldn’t stand to hear his voice. Not with her standing there. Even when he sent her away, I couldn’t shake the revulsion I felt. That’s when I ran away.

When Buffy left to find Oz, my first thoughts were of revenge, I wanted him to feel pain. To feel a small portion of what I was feeling. The curse would have worked, had I placed his picture into the flame. But I couldn’t do it...

After everything that had happened...

I still loved him.

I’ve never seen him fight to the death before while he was a werewolf. I never... really thought that he might come after me. I always believed that he would know who I was... that he would still love me regardless... I was wrong. If it hadn’t been for Buffy, Oz would have attacked, leaving me either dead, or wishing I was. After Buffy had shot him with the dart gun, I could feel her arms around me, comforting me, being there for me...

As I have always tried to be there for her.

Later, when I walked into his room and saw the bag on his bed, the small portion of my heart that still lived... died. He was leaving and I had no idea when, or if he was ever coming back. We talked, and I cried. I didn’t want him to leave, but he had to. We held each other one last time...

And then he was gone.

Buffy found me later, she always does. I don’t remember getting back to the dorm, or when she put me to bed. All I remember is that the whole night, she stayed with me. Even when I woke up during the night, she was there, sleeping next to me. Ready to lend a shoulder to cry on.

My protector.

“I love you Buffy,” I whispered.

I looked on in surprise, when her eyes fluttered open, filled with concern and compassion. “Love you too Will... go to sleep,” she answered.

She told me the next day what had happened in the woods, I wonder who the men are? I guess we’ll find out sooner or later. Gotta go...

Someone’s at the door.

The End.