Ratings: (USA) M | (UK) 15 | (AUS) M/MA15+

Copyright: Dec. 10th 2002.

Revised: Jan. 23rd, 2003.

Second Revision: Dec. 10th, 2004.

Spoilers: For “Scared Straight” and “Don’t Look Back”.

Disclaimer: Jordan Cavanaugh, Lisa Fromer, et al belong to Tim Kring, Tailwind Productions and NBC Studios. No copyright infringement is intended or inferred. The story along with any/all original characters are the sole property of the author and cannot be used without expressed permission first.

Pairing: Dr. Jordan Cavanaugh and Dr. Lisa Fromer.

Notes: This is the sixth story based around the episode Scared Straight the first being “Easy”, followed by “The Call” then “All Yours”, “A Good Reason” and “Invitation”.

Author’s Disclaimer: Let’s face it, I don’t own “Crossing Jordan” or any of the characters, back story, etc. I’m not making a cent from it – if I did, I’d buy a new computer and some other things. The story; along with any original characters are mine though… I think. Pesky copyright laws.

Thanks My Beta Readers: To Joei, Claire, Myra for going over the story and continuing to make sure I don’t butcher Jordan’s character.

Feedback: Would be nice, as I’d like to know if I should continue with this series.

Looking back I knew the trip wasn’t going to go like I had thought. To begin with, Lisa had to postpone because she had a family emergency. Then I was called to give testimony in the Orsini case. All in all — the trip that should have happened two months ago… hasn’t.

Lise and I haven’t seen each other in three weeks. And I hate it.

Woody’s been coming around more than I’d like at the moment. I want to tell him I’m involved and that he should start looking somewhere else. The thing is… how involved am I?

I know — can feel — Lisa is more than ready to take the next step in our relationship which is logical, given we’ve been going out — dating — for five months. I know the last time I was at her place it was becoming harder and harder to pull back when things started getting intense.

We’ve been dancing around it so much it’s almost become a burden.

A burden?

I shake my head — Never.

If anything it should be… wondrous?

I haven’t told her but I’ve been reading up on certain … things.

“If… no… when!” I mutter out—loud. When it happens, I wanna know what I’m doing. Our first time may tentative, but… it won’t be for the lack of knowledge.

Oh God! I’m smirking. I can actually feel myself smirking.

At least those dreams don’t stop with a kiss anymore.

Sometimes I wish they would though. I’m left with such an ache when I wake up! I’m not a prude, I know I could take care of if I wanted, but something inside tells me not to. That I only have to wait… that it will blow me away when we finally get together.

That’s the optimist in me.

The other half tells me:

“Are you kidding yourself, Jordan? Do you really think you’ll like it? If you do, what about Lise? What if you suck, and not in a good way? No matter how many books you’ve read or the videos you’ve rented that make you rush to the bathroom to take a cold shower, you’ll be second best (if that) to Stephanie. Can you compete with a memory?”

Oh yeah, my mind is a barrel of laughs.

The last thought makes my gut churn.

What if this isn’t as important to Lise as it’s becoming to me? What if I want more than she’s able to give? Maybe I’m just a diversion… someone to tide her over ’til Ms. Rightcomes along. It’s happens all the time.

“What am I doing?” I ask myself.

In all the time I’ve been with Lisa… Lise… She’s been upfront. She’s never asked for more than I can handle. Hell, there was even the time she pushed me away…

I made her…

I shake my head.

No…

I gave her no other choice.

Of course it was the night I actually felt another woman’s breast for the first time, other than on an autopsy table.

It was…

Warm.

Full.

Soft.

In short, it was … amazing.

The rush I felt when I heard her gasp! I had done that. My hand had made the wonderful sound come from her. I instantly became determined to hear it again.

We had gotten pretty good at kissing, I think. We were always breathless, that was a fact. Basically, we were making out like two teenagers on her couch. Her hands were in my hair, clenching and letting go…

Okay, I’ve gotta get a grip… my heart’s beating like crazy just thinking about it.

My hands were sliding up and down her back, embracing her, feeling the heat of her body next to mine.

We were finally moving apart…

And my hand…

My right one…

The one I’m looking at right now.

The one that has cut into so many people…

It brushed up against the outer swell of her breast.

And that’s when I heard it.

The gasp.

It surprised us both.

I don’t know what came over me…

But I knew I had to hear it again.

I could feel her heartbeat beneath my fingertips as I watched my hand move towards the front of her chest.

I looked up…

I had to see her face.

I had to know that what I was doing was okay.

Oh God.

Seeing her eyes flutter…

Watching as she bit her lower lip.

I couldn’t help myself.

I zeroed in on her lips as I bent forward and kissed her again.

I felt her body arching…

The fact I was now actively squeezing her breast probably had nothing do with it.

I felt her hand moving towards my chest…

And then it happened.

It was only a split second.

I tensed up.

I froze.

I… froze.

I don’t think I’ve ever experienced a mood change so quickly before.

Pulling away from me, she asked me to go home.

I wanted to explain. Wanted to tell her how sorry I was, to forgive my hesitation.

But it was no use…

I had done something only Stephanie had been able to do. I’d hurt her. I hurt Lise’s feelings.

And there was nothing I could do about it.

So I left. I didn’t kiss her goodnight. I don’t think she would have let me. God only knows how I got home that night. I can remember getting into my car, pounding on the steering wheel and nothing else until I collapsed on my bed, struggling to keep myself from crying.

You know they say misery loves company…

However, I don’t think anyone at the office loves me at the moment. I’ve been snapping at everyone for the smallest thing and I know I’ll have to apologize soon.

But, I felt as if my heart was in a vise and it was being squeezed harder and harder until there was nothing left, except emptiness.

I realized last night, when I woke up in a sweat…

I’d seen Lisa lying on an autopsy table, with me holding a scalpel ready to cut… Okay, stop it. It was just a dream… Christ.

I knew…

I loved her.

I’m hoping that she might feel the same about me.

I can only pray that I haven’t screwed up, that the plan I’ve cooked up last minute will work.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“It’s show time.”

The End.

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